I was 17 when I was done with the world and the whole going to church to get into Heaven thing. I still attended mass, but it was simply out of routine. After what I felt was betrayal by the Catholic Church, my philosophy was this: "Yes, God created man. Man screwed up. God left man alone to kill himself off. The world is just way too destructive for there to ever be God involved. He has left mankind alone to self-destruct." Yeah, this is how I felt.
This morning, while dealing with some overwhelming thoughts, I had a bit of a talk with God. He reminded me of the above time in my life. It was kinda like Scrooge's experience with the ghost of Christmas past. He reminded me of how I carried my jacked up belief to Xavier with me. Then, He brings to my recollection how He would often find me late nights, sitting on the steps of the Admin building, speaking out to Him. "With all the mess you were talking and boasitng, what was THAT all about?" He asked. God walked me even further back to December 1, 1990 and said to me, "Blood sugar 996! Enough said!" Then, we jumped forward, to where He asked, "You remember what I said to you back in December 1997 when you TRIED to end your own life? REALLY DUDE??"
We went through a few more areas of my past, and I see that in all my trials, all my wantings to give up, and in every moment of overwhelming STUFF, God has ALWAYS been there. At the bottom of the bruises, and just beyond the depths of the scars, He's been there, just waiting for me to recognize. I now understand that there is only one way to deal with pain, struggle, heartache, and tribulation. That way is to simply go through it! GOD IS THERE. HE ALWAYS HAS BEEN!! HE ALWAYS WILL BE!!
An Angel often says to me, "You could have been a totally different person, after all you've been through." As I stated in my last post, who we are is by choice. It's not the trial or tribulation that defines you. Your definition is in your response.
HAPPY TUESDAY NIGHT Y'ALL!! I LOVE YOU ALL, EACH AND EVERY ONE!!
Bryan Hollomon Williams