Over the past few weeks, I feel as though God has been holding my head still, not allowing me to look in any direction but that of His choosing. His choosing has been my family; my kids in particular; four astounding blessings. As my focus is stayed on them, their actions, their words, and their varying logic, I hear God whispering to my heart, "See Me!"
Driving home on Wednesday, this is the road my mind took. When you give your heart to God, He fills you with Himself, influencing how and what you see; how and what you feel; how and what you think; how and what you undertake. Seeing God in some of the most unexpected places, brings about compassion and humility. It also forces you to imagine your answers to assorted "what ifs". What if it were me? What if that were my child? What if that were my mom, dad, brother, wife? Having God in your heart also allows you to feel what He feels toward us, as His children, while we live with, teach, and observe our own kids. I've said to myself, so many times, "I can understand, Lord, how You might have felt when Adam and Eve made a decision, of which the consequences were unknown." The pain of giving a child your life and as much knowledge and truth as you can provide, only for him/her to walk away from it as though it's a stranger in a cargo van offering candy, I can't explain.
I think back to the first several months of my son, Davyd's life. The boy would not sleep at night. He just wouldn't! I tried every home remedy I heard of: running a fan, running the vacuum cleaner, sitting him on top of the dryer, and driving around town til "fo-day in the morning!" Nothing worked. It was so frustrating to me, to go night after night after night without rest. Yet, I thank God for those moments he and I would sit at the dining room table, as I read the Books of Samuel to him. I wanted him to know all about the life of the man after whom he was named. Some mornings we were there til sunrise. I can still vividly see his peaceful face of those times, in my mind. When my daughter Taylor was in the womb, I read to her and held conversations with her daily. I didn't do as much, when the womb held Davyd. He got very little conversation, but he did get a lot of negative energy during that time. I was angry, bitter and resentful, more often than not, in those months prior to his birth and even after. I allowed life to get the best of me and bring out the worst in me. So, Davyd was born of fire and volatile emotion. Forgive me, son. I know I could have done and been better in those times, as your father.
There were times my boy would be so consumed by emotion, I could not recognize him. The god, Emotion, has led him to do crazy things in his 13, almost 14 years on this earth, yet through it all, I could see his heart. Most will judge a person and condemn his/her soul based on their poor choices and ill actions. Neither father nor mother should be anything other than godly toward their children, at any point of their lives. For God has set the example of how we are to love, steadfast and unconditionally. As much as it may have chapped my hide to show love and compassion toward my boy at times, I am glad I did. I am glad that I've been able to forgive. Many of us preach right and wrong and even scripture to our children, while exhibiting none of it in action. Children will often dam up their ear canals, but they will never willingly go blind. Showing love is often all we have, when all else fails. "And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."
Where am I going with this post? What is my point? I am not sure, but my heart and mind need relief. Bear with me. Back to the late nights and early mornings with Davyd. I planted seed after seed after seed in him, hoping and praying that he grows up to be a much greater man than I will ever be. Recently, I've had to let go of him, so that he may gain some real life experiences. My prayer, whenever any of my kids are going away for extended periods of time, has always been, "Lord, bring my children home and back to me, safe and sound." I have stressed to my children, "THINK!! Listen to words, but observe actions more than anything!" As parents, we often just want our kids to do what we tell them to do, go where we say go, and think like we think. Thanks to the involvement and love of a truly good woman, I've been more able to allow my kids opportunities to think and do for themselves, hoping that our teachings have taken strong holds in their minds and hearts. I am so grateful for the discernment God has placed in the heart of my Davyd. He is still fueled by emotion, but his emotions are beginning to bow down to wisdom and sound judgment, more and more. God is good!!
Davyd has recently shared and said some things to us that has me feeling like the daddy in Luke 15:11-32.......I love you Davyd Hollomon Williams! You WILL be a greater man than I!! Let your life, your ups and downs, your mistakes and victories continue to teach you love and wisdom!
I've learned so much about myself, God, and my relationship with God through my relationship with my son, as well as my daughters.
Those who have ears, let them hear.......
Bryan Hollomon Williams