Then, my mind goes to several of the conversations my Best Friend and I have had over the past year, concerning conditioning. Many years ago, you'd never truly know how I felt because I'd never truly express what was going on inside me. Again, conditioning. My responses used to be slightly above a whisper, in a stiller and smaller voice than to one with which I operate now. As I think back to times I felt unheard, ignored, discounted, and disregarded, maybe folks felt I was not loud enough to be respected. I hated "loud" as a kid. Loud females were a turnoff in my high school and college days. Yet, it seemed that if I did not become loud at some point, my heart would continue to be stepped on and mistreated.
As I ponder this a while, I track back to the very first time I completely opened up and allowed someone into my heart. Full access to me and even my journals was given. Such was a gamble and truth be told, I crapped out. When you expose your heart, there is hope that one would take that time and opportunity to learn you, understand you, and see you for who you truly are. It doesn't always work out that way. In this initial case, my past and personal thoughts concerning different things at different times that had come and gone became weapons used against me. The growth and maturity gained through these experiences was never accepted or received.
None of us have the right to judge, especially based upon a person's past dealings and doings. I will say this though; we CAN set up guards and protection based on a person's track record, then monitor behaviors and actions closely. We as individuals should have no issue understanding that, when we think about our pasts and are fully honest with ourselves.
Long story short, damage was done to my exposed heart, off the bat. When I put my grown man pants on, I must admit that I allowed it. I allowed it for several years. Over those years, I became a man I said I'd never be. I did things I had never done, and had no plans of doing, prior to opening up my heart to such great width. Things lost in this span of time, were my patience, portions of my open-mindedness, and that clear view of a positive, truly happy future. I had become highly impatient, inconsiderate of feelings when I felt the need to express my own, and extremely impulsive. We put pigs in pens to wallow in mud and settle with slop. We, in cases such as mine (of the past) put ourselves in pens and wallow in the misery that exists there. Really, who can see clearly with eyes covered in mud?
It took 3 months of prayer for me to see clearly into a better future for myself and my children. When I saw it, I KNEW I had to move toward it. After taking the initial steps toward the new horizon, upon which I saw Taylor, Davyd, and myself standing, I failed to allow time enough for certain poisons to work themselves out of my blood. Impulsively, thinking I knew better, I ran into another relationship. My approach was to lay it all out. "Full Disclosure Day", we called it. I shared all: the good, the bad, and the flat out hideous. I gave all my likes, dislikes, quirks, weaknesses.......EVERYTHING!
Thinking back to then from right now, this moment, I see that doing that was like Nick Saban faxing over all his plays, plans, and strategies to Urban Meyer. TIME, is what it takes for someone to get to know you!! Also, if the person is truly the one God intends for you, then God will have already placed certain knowledge of you in his/her heart. Such will only be made known in the right place, at the right time, and in the right conversation. Trust me, you'll be amazed!! Again, I opened completely up, TOO SOON! Impulsive and Impatient, I am to this day, BUT I'm working on it!!
This second experience, of course, did not last as long as the first. I saw similar behaviors and attitudes to the old situation, along with a flat out disregarding of my Loves (2), thoughts, and feelings. So, I checked out mentally and spiritually well before the official end. In this relationship, I got to the point where I did not care about hurt feelings. My mentality had become, "Truth never cares about feelings, so why should I care about yours?!"
For those of you who knew me prior to the year, 2000, think about the quiet, always smiling, always positive, always there for any and all needs, fun-loving dude I was. Now think about me in Bizarro World, the complete opposite. Go even further into thought and see that both these versions currently exist inside me, AT THE SAME TIME. Imagine that struggle, every day now. That's just the surface of the abysmal me.
Now, I do blame these situations for the impatient, impulsive me, who now has to focus on his tone and delivery of every word that passes across his lips. Yet, as a grown man, with his grown man pants on again, through prayer and meditation and very much thought, I can only blame me, for who and what I've allowed me to become. It was Bryan Hollomon Williams who ignored the initial red flags! It was Bryan Hollomon Williams who chose to respond to things the way that he did, if at all! It was Bryan Hollomon Williams who hung a pretty painting over the damaged sheet rock of the wall.
Ultimately, I am at fault for all I've gone through, well most of what I've gone through, all my life. I mean, diabetes was not my fault. LOL! Yet, I have received it as a blessing. That's another awesome story. I do not mean any ill toward anyone in this post. Realistically speaking, no one can make relationships right when they were never meant to be. We live. We learn. We grow. We mature.
I've spent the last 416 or so days feeding the good in me, in hopes of flushing out the poison I've allowed into my system. In these 416 or so days, I've walked slower than I've ever walked. Hard looks in the mirror, is how I start my days. I keep my fingers at my side as much as possible. I try to spend time in thought over my words before responding to certain things. If I fly off the handle in responding to something, I try to make it a point to apologize and have more conversation after that flare up has been doused. I LISTEN, I LISTEN, I LISTEN to those whose input is sound, good, and trustworthy. I pay close attention to the small things, though I do miss a thing or two every now and then. I just want to be a better man, more and more every day. I want to be a better father, more and more every day. I want to be a better son and brother, more and more every day. I want to be a better friend, more and more every day. I also want to be a better mate for the one who stands on a new horizon, waiting for me, more and more every day.
Wow, all of that from a simple thought on tone and delivery.
HAPPY MONDAY TO ALL!! I LOVE YA, EACH AND EVERY ONE!!!